arbitrations

i keep losing myself and
at times i think i find him
i see me in the eyes of a lover
but now im starting to see:
it's only a reflection of me...

within me is a part i cannot see.

he often gets lost in words, thoughts, and calculations

fascinations...

im alone.

shit.

who will tuck me in at night?

who will be there when my jaws are tight with anger 

or my eyes are filled with tears?

is it alright for me to forsake the world to find me?
is it my destiny to never find me?

where do i flourish?
where do i plant my seed,
how do ii find the kind of me i need to be?

am i supposed to just wait to see?
i cant find the forest and iim surrounded by trees
how do i find contentment twiddling my thumbs while the world is happening, growing without me!

wondering among vines thorns thistles and darkness i see a body in the distance
i run to sanctuary and
i
am
lost
at
sea

confusion surrounds me... communication baffles me.. commitment evades me.

i am lost at sea

confidence tosses me to the floor of the ocean
the constraint of time binds my hands
cowardice travels down my esophagus and infiltrates my belly
as calamity knocks me unconscious

i am dying alone.

who will find my body adrift the seven seas?
who will attend my funeral, if i have no eyes to see me?

death seduces me with the silent slicing step of his sinews... awakening me to die

he encircles my body leaving lust where he treads

i am dying: quivering with anticipation

longing, wanting, waiting for him to pounce upon me and claim me

i welcome my lonesome mourner and the virus he brings: a plague to deliver me from the virus of life.

"Engulf me in you

Take all me into you"

he places his cold lips on mine and uncovers a fiercer pain

his body on mine becomes rigid and hard

this is happening too fast, he is too strong

ii open my eyes to ease the pain and see his

his eyes...

Those eyes... hollowed blackness

and for a moment in his eyes i see a glimmer of light, for a moment i forget that i am dying,

for a moment nothing exists but me and the light and as we intercourse i find that it is me.

and while i can't see land, i remember it,

and while i can't see love, i feel it growing inside of me, consecrating me for a better purpose and i dream and while it only hurts when i breathe i find myself not dying.